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Dear Josh-the-Radio-Dude, Neighborhood Grammar Nazi,

This is your 8th Grade English teacher, Heywood Jablomie, speaking.

I thought I instilled in you the proper rules of English, but, alas, I see not.

Look, you numbskull, whilst you were lobbing spitballs down the scoop neckline of Alice Barnswallow, and counting hickies on the neck of Tiffany Cozonovich, I was, no doubt, teaching you the rule that you just never quite grasped. You, quite possibly, just missed getting the memo, you imbocile.

To wit: There is no such word as "plead" (or, "pled" -- plead means "to plead.")

If you had been paying attention along with the other boys and girls and kept your smarmy nose out of that "Legs to Her Neck" magazine and other trash you had been passing around, you would know my simple rule ... despite the fact that spell-checkers often do include the word "pled" for some stupid reason and even some dictionaries. But the Oxford ... the almighty Oxford deplores the use of the word "pled" as does the Associated Press Stylebook; preferring, instead, the word "pleaded," as in "Josh pleaded guilty to looking at porn in class."

Here's why and, hence, my rule: "It's not 'ded' ... it's "deeded." It's not 'kned' ... it's "kneaded." It's not "sed" ... it's "seeded," It's not "wed," it's "weeded." And now, you've "conceded" ... not "conced."

http://boaltalk.blogspot.com/2008/02/pleaded-v-pled.html

At this rate, you'll never make it like that little Laura Ingraham girl, or that Dr. Laura Schlessinger. You will never be Bill O'Reilly, or Keith Olbermann. You will always be a sleazy Disc Jockey.

So sad, you're bad, I'm glad.

Have a good summer.

Heywood Jablomie
8th Grade English
Charlotte Middle School
"Home of the Fightin' Skin Lesions!
Charlotte, MI

Mr. Josh-The-Radio-Dude,

If your penchant for reading such trash continues to affect you at your age, might I recommend my son to possibly counsel you to alleviate the durge of porn in your life.

He is located in Lansing, in the tall building with the pointy green roof. The one with the radio tower sticking out of it. You know the one.

He's on the 5th floor, Suite 6.

Walk-ins are welcome (he's just beginning his practice.) Hours are flexible.

Look for him under his name: Wyedonte Jablomie.

I named him. Proudly.

PS - You got that "A" for lending me those raggy mags or I'd have dropped you like a bad habit -- fearful, only, that I've had you back the following year. Don't press your luck and please come pick up your magazine collection.